Saturday, 21 February 2015

Castle Parking: Taking the 'P' out of Park

Here's the nice new corner piece of Castle Park and Broad Weir where pedestrians can sit and rest after a hectic day of shopping in Cabot Circus. The Council have gone to all the trouble of landscaping a formerly naff patch of ground in an effort to make it a bit more appealing. And like flies to manure, the paveparkers have found out that you can dump a vehicle there all day, just behind the bus stop.But wtach out, that newly laid turf is a bit wet and the mud might get on your tyres:(




Friday, 23 January 2015

Clifton Village RPZ rollout: first photos!

We're here with the first photos of the clifton RPZ rollout.

As you can see —the paint is now down



In the background, the village has died, the trees have rotted away, and volcanoes have risen up out of the devastation.






Zombies travel the wasteland, eating children and small pets.

This is everything Clifton Tank Command warned us about!

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Prime Numbers are Crime Numbers


Earlier this week, David Cameron said there should be no means of communication which we cannot read

That's pretty significant. Because, as some subversives have pointed out, internet communications is locked down via HTTPS and other protocols that encrypt their data, often using the RSA Public Key algorithm to do it. Which relies on the fact that, given a big non-prime number, it's "computationally very hard", to determine which two prime numbers can be multiplied together to produce this number.

Thus, in order to stop people encrypting their data in a form which the government cannot read, they are going to have to ban prime numbers.

A number which is forbidden to be discussed, shared or published on the web is known as an Illegal Number, the 09F9 key to decrypt blu-ray disks being a notorious example: a number where everyone publishing it initially received an DMCA takedown notice. Certain prime numbers can also be considered illegal, such as one which is actually the x86 linux binary code to decrypt a DVD.

All Cameron is proposing, then, is expand the list of Illegal Numbers, to some other numbers, specifically all prime numbers. That's a big list, so we'll shorten it by providing a set-theoretic definition of primeness:
n in Naturals: p, q ∊ {2..n-1} : (p ≠ q ∧ p * q = n) 
That is all numbers n in the set of natural numbers Naturals, for which there do not exist two distinct numbers p and q in the set of numbers 2..n such that p times q equals n.

There: simples. And stopping terrorists sending messages the government —ideally a government led by Boris Johnson with Nigel Farrage as his deputy— cannot read is common sense.

Except, well, it's not going to work, not without bringing down The Internet As We Know It. 

Which would be somewhat inconvenient.



We've stated before that we are building a modern police state, a datacentre state, at an undisclosed location in stokes croft. Some of it is being rolled out, such as these undercover CCTV cameras near the Moon Pub. Some crimes don't merit hidden speed cameras enforcing publicly displayed limits, other crimes,  like rolling some locally grown weed —do.

Because we are a small police state of our own, we have agreed to try out the new "no encryption policy" before it is rolled out nationally. 

We do however recognise that encryption is critical to functionality of the internet, so will allow small primes —anything below 2^8. That is, only primes >= 256 are illegal.

We have issued our local PCSO with a list of all of legal primes, and given them a new power. As well as being able to fine cyclists for cycling on the pavement, they are now permitted to inspect phones and other computing devices to see if they contain prime numbers greater than 255. If so, the criminal will be arrested then deported to the Avonmouth detention facility (formerly: Portway Park and Ride) for The Duration of The Emergency.

Our PCSO will also be allowed to stop and search anyone, in case they are "Prime Number Mules", trying to sneak large prime numbers into the area in USB sticks hidden in body parts. We won't go into the specifics. 

Be advised, because connecting to facebook or twitter uses encypted HTTPS connections, even when done from their phone apps, driving while texting is going to have to be made temporarily illegal —banned until our strategic partners release "Stokes Croft editions" of  the applications.


To catch these possible terrorists, we are now recategorising cyclists such as here, RedVee, from "tax dodging scum", to "guardians in the war on terror". They are now permitted to report such incidents as the one above, in case the culprit is not a "hard working motorist", but instead "threat to society". A&S police will look up the vehicle registration, determine whether or not the driver is Muslim, and take action when appropriate.

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Templemeads: the city gateway experience

Bristol is getting a new City Gateway: one in the middle of the city.

The phrase "city gateway" should be a warning sign; it means someone has focused to much on some "urban realm" and new visitor experience rather than useful.

The only direction to be coming from where the "city gateway" would be the first thing you see of the city is if you are coming from the train station and have never visited the city.

In this situation, what would you rather see:
  1. A six lane road with a bend in it, where, at the jut-out point, some trees?
  2. A bus station with buses taking you useful places?
Because Bristol has two public transport city gateways: the bearpit and now this. And unlike the bearpit, we don't fear gentrification here, the Brunel pub suddenly serving beer you can drink, or open air pop-up cafes in front of the train station. (yes, we know about gateway 3, the underpass for walking and cycling. Another day)

But wait! people say, we are going to get a new showcase entry to the north of the station.

That entry point exists already. It's very convenient pickup/dropoff point today, because nobody else knows about it and you can pull off Temple Way early and stop right by the entrance.

It's also known by the cyclists as the way you can get to the station without being run over, the way you can get out without being run over on the way back, and where you can collect pre-ordered tickets from a machine which will only issue them to you if you have both the card and a six-character reference number. Given that you can check in for a transatlantic flight needing only the credit card, we are still trying to determine what security requirements mandate a significantly stricter policy for issuing tickets between Bristol and Bath, but we are sure it makes sense.

The cyclists gain from being able to get to the Bristol-Bath railway path, which is signposted





That's it, the blue one above the no-bicycles and "Cyclists dismount and give way to pedestrians" sign. That's our favourite, as it makes clear that even when they get off a bicycle they are still the Untermenschen of our city, the only ones we can discriminate against until UKIP come in to power and we can ban anyone muslim from the M4.
emplemads.
Anyway, cyclists can get to and from the railway path here. As this is the site of the most recent templemeads access point redevelopment, let's look at it and see what the last designers did in terms of making walking and cycling in Bristol better.

It starts at the Cheesegrater, one of the two Bridges added in the twenty first century. These are the showcase walking and cycling bridges to Templemeads. We'll get back to them after the tour.

Here then, we cycle across the Cheesegrater Bridge, as if the Untermensch were coming from the railway path, go past the "Untermenschen get off and respect your superiors" turnoff, where the Untermensch turns right, along what is currently a wide cycle route separate from the footpaths, and which will be upgraded to "new route for station dropoff". That is good, a bike path that wide is wide enough for a road: its what it needs. And we know from the rest of the area, that cyclists and pedestrians will share a pavement provided there's a sign telling the cyclists to dismount.




Carrying on from there, Herr Untermensch continues along past the "wet wood with afterthought traffic calming when they discovered people were actually cycling over it bridge", or as we will now call it "the rattling wood bridge" Then: along the river. This could actually be a nice route to the city centre, except that its existence is kept a secret. Even the pedestrian signs to Cabot Circus don't direct people this way, not when there's some main roads to walk past. Oh, and a new "city gateway" of course. In theory, then, this riverside walk could be made a walking and cycling "city gateway", one that took people to Cabot Circus and even the new Broadmead, whenever those plans surface. This path is also the most direct route to the Bus station, 15-20 minutes and traffic free the whole way. Maybe: but Bristol has always been proud of the inner ring road, "temple way", and should celebrate it. On bike, an Untermensch will eventually reach the Counterslip Road where they can see that the council would rather provide three parking bays on a bridge than any form of cycling infrastructure. Just something to bear in mind whenever someone talks about a war on motoring: we still have those parking bays on the bridge on Counterslip Road.


Finally, down some steps and along the remainder of the path to Castle Park. To summarise: a quiet route from the station, which with some minor effort could me made a gateway to the city:
  • Lighting
  • Signing
  • Tax-dodger routing on the counterslip
  • some way to get bikes up the stairs.
Finzal's reach will address this by adding a slightly different bridge, one to the west. As you can see from the consultation, this will be a curvy bridge, like Peros' the cheesegrater and the slippery wooden one.

There've been some mixed feelings about this. The cycling campaign felt that the route wasn't designed to take the cycling traffic volumes which would be seen if the councils goals of numbers of people cycling were actually to be met. On the other side, the Bristol Civil Society came out against it, because
Finzel’s Reach Bridge would not be the choice of most people walking or cycling between Cabot Circus or the Old City and Temple Meads Station; they would choose to cross Bristol Bridge or St. Philip’s Bridge. 
This surprises us. Certainly people walking and cycling choose to use Bristol Bridge or St. Philip’s Bridge, but that's because "those are the two bridges they can use", especially when "the nice route by the river isn't known about by all". They also chose not to critique the bridge for the reason we would, which is
we are sick of architects trying to give us fancy bendy bridges as they don't appear to work. Given Bristol's history of being built around a bridge, being internationally renowned for its suspension bridge, can we have some bridges which now actually meet their design goals of "getting people over the rivers safely"?
Which brings us, in a roundabout way, back to the Cheesegrater. This is a bridge which has warning signs telling people not to cycle over it when wet, and even for pedestrians to take care. Think about that. 

  • A bridge.
  • Two transport modes: walking and cycling
  • Expected traffic volume: more than one person walking or cycling over the bridge at the same time, possibly in opposite directions
  • For use in Bristol. Which has rained a lot in the past 1000+ years, enough for people to know that wet surfaces should be a common state, sometimes being replaced by "icy surface". Yet the cheesegrater bridge utterly fails to provide anything resembling traction in this situation. 
Now look at the implementations we've had in C21

Valentines: 
Surface: wood, slippery when wet or icy, rickety
Shape: S-shaped, for no apparent reason other than someone thought it was innovative
Designed for: walking and cycling
Not suitable for: anyone trying to cycle over it while someone else is walking over it
Amelioration measures: stick up some barriers over the bridge to discourage anyone actually trying to cycle over it.

Cheesegrater
Surface: metal,very slippery when wet or icy
Shape: S-shaped, for no apparent reason other than someone thought it was innovative
Designed for: walking and cycling
Not suitable for: anyone trying to cycle over it when it has rained in the previous 24 hours
Amelioration measures: cyclist dismount signs.

There then, are the two features we have had in terms of innovative city gateway work near Templemeads in the past 15 years. Two bendy bridges that completely fail to meet their design goals. One could just be misfortune. But a second? Didn't someone from the design team look at the first and consider how had it failed? Or did they just say "yes, bendy bridges with slippery surfaces are fashionable, let's do one too".

They didn't, did they. Which means that there are civil engineers out there who are still being allowed to build things. What we fear is this: they are involved in this new Templemeads work.

Step 1: find out who designed the rickety bridge and reassign them to doing bridges in Morocco and other low-rainfall regions.
Step 2: find out who designed the cheesegrater bridge and reassign them to doing something completely unrelated to civil engineering, or indeed designing things that people are expected to use. Working on Windows Phone User Experience, perhaps.

Whatever happens: we have to make sure they weren't involved in the new Templemeads "city gateway" as we know its not going to work, even before looking at the designs.

Saturday, 3 January 2015

Clifton may call itself a village, but it is not rural

Some revolutionaries exploited some known PHP hack and defaced the travelwest web site.

Cue cause for coverage in the guardian, Muslim Hackers take down bus schedule web site, including describing how people resorted to facebook to ask the Arab Security Team what the schedule for the #8 bus is.

Well, it's good for Bristol to get some coverage in a paper written in London but sold nationally. Sadly, the paper covered the story with a photo of a stock bus stop in the rural road middle of nowhere. This is surprising, as we'd expected at least one of the paper's unpaid interns to have studied somewhere in the city.

For future reference the #8/9 bus meanders round the northwest bristol urban areas, with Clifton is furthest point in its orbit from its terminus, Bristol Templemeads.

Here, then, is an authentic Bristol #8 bus. Sitting at templemeads with the lights out and no cue whatsoever as to when the bus engine will be spun up and passengers able to get to their destination.



This, and non-determism of Bristol traffic flows, mean that if you live in 30 minutes walk of BTM, then, even if you are on the #8/#9 bus line, you are better off walking, except when one or more of the following conditions are met: its wet, you have luggage, you have a child with you. Even there, given child fares are non-zero in Bristol, walking with a child is still appealing.

As for Clifton being a rural idyll of empty roads: no. The residents may imagine it is a village, but only by the same criteria that stokes croft could consider itself a village: it was one a couple of centuries ago. Avonmouth village has far more villageness.

Dear Guardian: when you next want a photo of a Bristol bus stop -please get in touch.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Tablets in the car are the new status symbol

Anyone can text and drive; here on Arley Hill on a weekday you see about 1 car in 4 texting.

What do you do if you want to show that you are really important?

Step 1 is the expensive car, like the BMW

That's good, but it's not enough, now that phones have become the new status device. What else can you do?
That's right: a tablet, here put away when they noticed someone taking photos of them.

They shouldn't be self-conscious! They should be proud! Tablets are something to show off!

Monday, 8 December 2014

Brunel 150

Sunday saw a fantastic display on the Downs.

And a confirmation that engineering really does work.

After 150 years the Downs were opened up to as many cars as possible for a firework display, which lasted 15 minutes.

Yesterday the roads around the Downs became a thing of the past, and parking prohibition became a mere memory of some ancient time when Engineers were lauded for their contribution to the 'Modern World'.

Luckily for drivers the 'No Cycling' signs did not apply to them, so they were able to park and drive right across the Downs to avoid the gridlock caused by the other traffic and escape into the night. Pedestrians were particularly helpful in getting out of the way if hooted at whilst they walked home. It was fantastic.


Unfortunately, the Downs have returned to normal today, and if you are driving a car you will need to use a road.

However, Bristol's biggest car park WILL be celebrated with fireworks every 150 years from now on.

On the Downs.

In cars.