Clifton Occupied by Tax Dodging Cyclists!

We were shocked and disappointed that we were unable to drive to Clifton in our Important Car, then cross over to Somerset and enjoy a round of golf with Liam Fox MP. Why? Tax dodging cyclists in the road —out road, blocked off to us,Important Tax Paying people, handing it over to olympic medal winners and the like.

Lycra louts who do things like blow their noses in public

If there was one redeeming feature, it is that a lot of other people were as upset as we were to see this lycra-clad vermin —and they were standing there screaming at them for bringing the city to its knees.


We we trapped in the city. Clifton was even begrimed with a large screen showing off that the portway and Bridge Valley Road had again been stolen.



This is exactly the kind of thing people voted against George Ferguson wanted to stop, but still the city wants to let people cycle around.

It's fundamentally wrong. Look at this scene from The Promenade

Where are the revenue-bringing shoppers? Or the high-income tax band residents? Nowhere. Just one person on a bicycle who probably lives in a postcode other than BS8.

This is unacceptable!

If there is one redeeming feature, it is that Clifton Village is still not set up for more than six bicycles at any time, as their three sheffield racks were overloaded. Some of the tax dodgers even went as far as leaning their bikes against the wall of The Mall pub and trying to buy beer inside.



This is not some run-down bicycle friendly part of town where you can lean bicycles against walls; it is trying to stay upmarket. Fortunately, most of the cyclists in the area realised they were unwelcome and cycled off to other parts of the city once the event was over, leaving us nearly the only people walking round an near-empty village. The fact that village was so empty shows precisely why such cycling events must be prevented.

But how to do this? We were going to spin up our automated cyclist-hating letter generator and have it email the Bristol Post. But what did we see on the Downs?



Yes —shocking, isn't it! Our paper, the one that hates cyclists, actively trying to sell copies to cyclists!

We fear that the Evening Post has, purely in the mercenary need to sell to people under the age of sixty, has decided to start trying to ingratiating themselves with tax dodgers. They may think that will help them, but all it will do is alienate their current readership. It'll be like when all the pubs in Hotwells, including the Spring Gardens, the Pump House and the Mardyke suddenly decided they wanted to post gastropubs instead of places to get drunk in and start fights with strangers. This isn't progress: this is a sign of the decline of the city.

sport: it's about sponsorship and consumption, not participation

While out looking for early evening customers of our "discreet adult entertainment" portfolio, we were disappointed to see that Ashton Court was "out of play" this weekend, on account of a 12 hour mountain bike race.

These people have to recognise that actually participating in sport is not what the sponsors of major events such as the Euro2012 cup or the london olympics actually want.
  
Every pair of buttocks on a saddle is one less arse in front of a TV, watching advertisers, getting ideas of which new consumer goods to buy.
  

Consumer purchases are the key to kickstarting the economy, and these people, by cycling for 12 hours a day, are not doing their bit

Team Psyclewerx

Who is this small child holding a very fancy looking bike outside Psyclewerx?

He is not just any small child, he is the bike shop's sponsored downhiller, Laurie Greenland, age 12. Recently taking part in the mini-DH races in the Forest of Dean, where he came he is 12 years old and he came 7th in his first race in the 12 - 14 years category

It may look too big from the front, but the back end is sized right for a kid, and the travel at both ends is fairly serious.

We don't know what the sponsorship deal covers, but it does apparently include free servicing. Given that the kid could do a wheelie -and none of us at Bristol Traffic can- we don't expect to get any such sponsorship any time soon. Which is a shame, as those brakes look like they'd be good in the wet.

Spring Hill: Kingsdown's Downhill

Some more research into the mythical Boxing Day staircase race turns out that it was never a race, just a fun ride, through the stepped streets of Kingsdown. That's a tradition to bring back, down Spring Hill. Normally that only gets coverage here at the top, where it becomes gentle enough to allow motor vehicles to park across the road. Further down, it's stepped.

The middle section has some barriers at the top to stop you entering at speed, but then there's a fairly straight run with a dropoff to Dove Street, one with inadequate visibility to be sure there isn't something about to run you over.

You have to cross that road to enter the final descent

This is a number of flights of stairs, none on their own too hard, with some runouts to allow you to change your mid or just drop a bit of speed. It then levels off into a good runout stretch into the dispersion zone that is King Square.

This would be a great place for a Downhill Race, "Kingsdown Technical". The square would be where the finish would be, the audience would get a fantastic view of the bikes coming down at speed.

This is something to think about. It would be an exciting Cycling City event - a downhill run in the heart of town, where anyone can come to see it. It would make for some great photos of the city and make up for some of the bad press it's been getting in the cycling world, with its recent war-on-pavement-cycling. Hold the event on a Sunday and there's no through traffic to speak of; closing the roads wouldn't be hard. And if it can't be done officially, it would be a good night-time event.

Podium!

Here is the podium of the 2007 Bike Fest, under-5 category, with the three happy winners accepting their medals .

As only three kids took part, there was much joy all round, and no small child crying all the way home in disappointment.

On a similar note, we are pleased to announce that Bristol Traffic won 3rd place in Venue's 2008 Banana Awards, category "Top Web Site". Specifically, they said "A one trick pony which mostly takes the piss out of selfish and irresponsible parking practises of our fellow citizens". Surely they meant "the city's first rigorous data collection and datamining exercise on traffic and parking, raising traffic engineering from pre-elightenment superstition to that of a modern data-driven, evidence-based science." But maybe its because we keep that aspect of the project secret for fear of scaring people off. But we do not take the piss, Oh no. We celebrate their inventiveness!

We'd like to thank all the drivers whose contributions to the cities streets gave us something to talk about, and the many people who posted their photos in. Sadly, our need to avoid libel prevents us from posting most of the text that comes with the pictures, but we can assure everyone it is appreciated.

Next year: second place!

And the year after that, first place on the upturned dustbin with the packet of Quavers!

Mud dock racing night

Singletrack have news of a Mud Dock/Iron Horse event on Wednesday,

It involves sprint races on old style roller wheels (the ones that can go wrong), and there will be prizes along with drinks promotions. Given the MTB theme, presumably they will be making more like November Ashton Court night riding by throwing mud in your face, spraying cold water at your exposed fingertips and banging your shoulders with a tree from time to time. All of which you can enjoy for free.

Bus Lanes are for racing

Everyone knows that bus lanes aren't really for buses, taxis and bikes; if they were they wouldn't be full of parked cars. But what is not discussed is that by taking one lane out of every suitably wide road, there is no way to do any racing in the city.

So how do you show that your white diesel van is faster than that of your mates? Well, one of you has to use the bus lane.

Such as here in Bedminster. However, if you are to do this, remember something importent.

If your vehicle is covered in your company's name, with a phone number, then you can expect a phone call from the same irate person (here Joe Evans), who took the photos.

Remember: if you are going to race down the bus lane, be discreet about it.