Fuel panic? Not us.

Many people are queueing up to buy petrol and diesel in the fear that it will run out.

We are not joining in because we know that everyone filling up their car means their fuel tanks are more likely to be filled up. This will make it easier and cheaper to fill our van up by cutting someone else's fuel line and stealing it. Some car manufacturers make it extra easy to do by running the plastic tubing close to the wheel arches -all you need is stanley knife and a "jerry can"", which is apparently a posh word for plastic petrol bottle. So thank you to Ford and Vauxhaull for your contributions there.

The best bit: everyone else is out and about filling up their own "jerry-cans" (we have to quote it, it's hard to take serious, like calling a radio a "wireless" or cinema "the moving pictures"). What does that mean? It means walking round the city at 1 am carrying a petrol can and stanley knife doesn't look out of place any more.

This is good, as it saves having to dive head first in a pile of horse dung to look like a local, which is what you have to do in Wiltshire.