Eric Pickles Declares war on the voices he keeps hearing in his head

A new daily mail article has used the title "Eric Pickles Declares War", this time "war on Tory Councils who oppose his planning reforms".  As such we have dropped in ranking to #2 in google searches for that term.

We have been in consultation with an "consultant" who claims to "work in the same building as Eric Pickles". This person, who used the clearly fake name Grant Shapp MP, is says the solution to this problem is to regurgitate our existing content and seek new links.

Well, there's not a lot to regurgitate except to observe that Eric Pickles regularly declares war -but never seems to win them. 

• War on Motorists: lost.
• War on Street Clutter (August 2010) -look at any street and you can see he lost there
• War on Town Hall Pravdas (November 2010): gone all quiet in the hope nobody realises that he isn't winning: the Afghanistan strategy. 
• War on council trade unions (October 2011): again, silence. 
• War on unauthorized protest camps (august 2012): not until pleb- and traveller- culling is legalised will this go away. 
• War on Conservative Town halls who use their decentralised authority to oppose a decision that comes from central government (Sept 2012).  To early to tell.

That's a pretty awful track record. Hasn't anyone noticed this? That whenever a press release or article comes out starting "Eric Pickles Declare War" -then the war is lost.

We could almost use that as a weapon itself: threaten to deploy him on behalf of the other side. Imagine how Iran would react if the UK government said they'd get Eric Pickles to declare war on Israel and the US -because the moment Eric did that Iran would be doomed.  Or if the 50th anniversary of the Cuban Missile Crisis was celebrated by having Eric Pickles declare war against the capitalist oppressor of the cuban people -there'd be starbucks on the corner of every street in Havana before the ink was try on the press release.


If there's a failing of this government, it's not that Eric's declarations of war have all been complete failures -it's that they haven't realised that he could be used as the country's last-resort strategic armament.