En Vacance

People are asking "when will Bristol Traffic update us with what's going on in the Bristol City Centre?"

A big chunk of the B.T. team are actually on our summer vacation abroad, in France, Germany and the Yachts of important media types and ogliarchs of former Soviet Countries and Arabic-speaking dictatorships

We are doing this for your own good. Without us arranging the important deals with the owners of the press, the Evening Post's coverage would change; without us securing modest kickbacks from the supplying of russian gas to the UK, we wouldn't be able to pay our gas bills.

The situation is not so desperate that we need to return. We are beginning level-2 escalation, with both Boris Johnson and David Cameron returned. Frankly we were getting bored with them anyway. Cameron keeps wittering on about how never knew that Rebekah Brooks, which is why the Murdochs asked him to leave the yacht. As for Boris, there's only so much of his smugness anyone can take. Even Cameron's wife kept "accidentally" spilling red wine on him, just to keep sending him back to his room.

If things do get more out of hand, and trouble escalates to the urban ghettoes of the city: Henleaze, Westbury on Trym and Stoke Bishop, we will come back and declare a state of emergency.

As a precaution, FirstBus have pre-emptively withdrawn all service from the city. Forever.